Make Dating Great Again

The Relationship Attachment Model, or "the RAM", is a scale that represents five different relationship dynamics that each represent level of attachment in a relationship. "The five fundamental dynamics are the depth to which you know, trust, rely on, have a commitment to, and have sexual involvement with another person. The RAM portrays these five dynamics in a way that explains their unique contributions to the bond developed in a relationship, as well as the interactions they have with each other" (Van Epp, 2008). The more the slider moves up for know, the more you have a rich, full knowledge and understanding of this person. The more the slider moves up on the scale for trust, the more deeply and positively you trust this person. The more the slider moves up for rely, the more you count on this person to meet certain needs of yours. The fourth slider is the level of commitment you have made to that person. The fifth, and final slider represents. The rule for the RAM model, is called "the safe zone". To be in the safe zone, means to never be higher in one dimension, than you are in the previous. For example, if you do not know someone, you do not trust them. If you do not trust someone, you do not rely on them, or count on them to be there and meet your needs, and so forth. This all just makes sense, right? You would think.

If the RAM makes so much sense, why is our culture so inclined to follow a pattern just the opposite? It is because "love is blind". During the early stages of a relationship, our bodies and brains experience a significant increased production of the "love" and the "feel good" hormones. Being in a relationship feels too good to be inclined to take your time. We, as humans, tend to put our best foot forward in the early on in relationships. We want to show our best selves, and suppress the bad. You are also more susceptible to overlook red flags when you are in this "love high". This is why 3 is the magic number. "Not until around three months into a relationship do deep seated patterns start to become evident" (Van Epp, 2007). Also, the chemical high we feel begins to wear off around this third month mark. Too often we are hasty in professing our love for another, before we truly get a chance to know them. But, you may be thinking, "How do I know that I know?".

Van Epp developed an equation for just this. It is called the "know quo". Intimacy= Time + Talk +Togetherness. Through finding a balance between these three "T's", you can ensure that you are establishing healthy dating patterns that will last through a marriage, and that you are being careful, thoughtful, and thorough with getting to know that person. Time, meaning that you are not trying to cram "get to know you" questions and a to do list of activities in a short amount of time o that you can say you got to know the other person. These things take time. Patience truly is a virtue. Talk, meaning that you are having meaningful conversations; mutually sharing an appropriate amount of information with each other about yourselves. Sharing too much too soon may send the message of coming off too strong. It may also lead to the feeling of having nothing left to talk about, thus giving the illusion of "knowing everything" there is to know about the other. Togetherness implies sharing diverse experiences together. By taking part in many different activities, you allow the opportunity to observe your partner in different setting and situations. You also can develop shared hobbies and bonds.

REXBURG (and planet Earth, while we're at it): Let's be better! Marriage is a priority, but you cannot rush this decision. I repeat, you cannot rush this decision.

Men: Ask women on dates. It is just a date. As hard as it is to believe, rejection is not the worst thing that can happen to you. If you aren't making an effort to date, how are you going to find an "eternal companion"?

Women: Stop taking an invitation for a date so seriously. It is just a date. How can you truly know if you are not interested in someone unless you give them a chance? Encourage guys to ask girls on dates by being kind. Smile! Flirt! Sometimes, we really can help the process along.

Men AND Women: Inquire well to marry well. Take your time in doing so. I know a semester is 14 weeks, but contrary to popular belief, it is not written in the rules that you must be married by the end of those 14 weeks. A date is a date. Not a marriage proposal. Date a lot of people. There are thousands of single men and women on this campus (millions on this planet). You are not destined to be alone, but God isn't going to write the name of "the one" you are destined to be with (who doesn't exist, by the way) in sky writing fro you. Get out there!!!!