Divorce

Today everyone seems to be directly affected by divorce in some way. Why do so many people divorce? Even after what seem like long, healthy marriages from the outside, often end in divorce. The question is - is divorce good foe anyone involved? The couple? The children? Let's explore some facts and statistics.

I''m sure you've heard that "50% of all marriages end in divorce". This sounds alarmingly high, but is widely accepted as truth. The problem with this statistic is that the way this number has been found is rather skewed. "The government has measured the divorce rate in two ways: as the number of divorces per 1,000 population and as the number of divorces per 1,000 married women 15 years and older. While the latter gives us a somewhat better estimate of the proportion of marriages that fail, the data are not collected and published regularly" (Lauer & Lauer).

Today, grounds for divorce are determined by state laws, rather than federal laws. States have changed divorce laws in response to increasing divorce rates. In the past divorce was not approached as an individual decision, rather as government-based decision. Prior to the 1970's, an approach to divorce assumed that one of the spouses was at fault, Fault could have meant "adultery, insanity, imprisonment, or cruelty". Today, "no-fault divorce" is now practiced in all 50 states. This means that no proof i needed to divorce. Basically, the only reason needed to validate getting a divorce is that one or both spouses simply "want one". Are you starting to see why divorce has become more common?

What are the most common factors that lead to divorce?

• Young age. Being young is often linked to impulsivity. However, there are often exceptions. For example, getting married young is a common phenomena in the Mormon church and statistics show that they tend to have lower divorce rates. Correlation does not necessarily mean causation, so there could be other factors that are linked to their low divorce rates.

• Low education. Also linked to impulsivity, and financial problems.

• Non-religious. Often times, not being religiously affiliated is linked to premarital sexual relations. Those who have sexual relations with other partners than their spouse before marriage tend to have sexual problems within their marriage.

• Parents divorced. Linked to unhealthy views and habits of dating and marriage and the feeling of being unlovable or not worthy of commitment.

• Cohabiters. Although cohabitation seems to imitate marriage, research indicates that it fails to deliver the multiple benefits of marriage. In fact, cohabitation appears to imitate single life more than married life.“People who are cohabiting are less happy generally than the married. They have a 46% greater risk of divorce than couples who do not live together before marriage and “more frequent depression …. than those of married people.”

• Infidelity. Clearly those who have extramarital affairs have little regard and commitment for their current marriage.

SO rarely do people go into marriage therapy that dated correctly. What I mean by this is that dating is so so so important and far too often overlooked, and rushed through. The patterns that you set in your dating relationship will continue into your marriage. The dating relationship sets the ceiling for the marriage relationship. For those that rush into the marriage, it is easier to rush out of a marriage. For those that take their time to get to know each other and build a base of a strong friendship and sense of respect for each other while dating will have a stronger foundation when the difficult times inevitably present themselves.

Today it is not all that uncommon for a couple to create and sign a prenuptial contract. A prenuptial is quite literally preparing for divorce. The moment you even consider or acknowledge divorce as a viable option, you have invalidated the marriage, and you have already failed.

Divorce is like suicide. You are in pain, so you think the pain will end and that everyone else will be better off.

Very frequently when people separate they do it in hope that it will somehow fix a failing marriage

• Separation is a very bad idea. It is not strengthening the marriage, it is practicing divorce. It is preparing to separate.

• Only one kind of separation works and rarely clients are willing to do it. But it is when they seriously and intentionally court. They rebuild that foundation that they neglected build in the first place, or they did not continue to strengthen.

6 stages of divorce

• Emotional divorce (detach largely from your partner emotionally and mentally

• Legal divorce (when a judge signs the paper and ends the contractual obligations)

• Economic divorce (legal separation) (settlement of property)

• Co parental divorce (custody and financial support)

• Community divorce (lose friends and community)

• Psychic divorce (separate different people, psychological detachment)